dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
And then he peed in my hair
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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