Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
