how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
