8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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