Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize