My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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