i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
