So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
