dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
