I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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