You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
This is not my ceiling
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
