and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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