just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
