yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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