is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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