at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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