i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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