he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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