I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
