I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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