I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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