The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
