She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
