Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
