There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
