what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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