That's when you crack a 10am beer
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
