do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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