every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
