so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't deserve a penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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