A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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