If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
