His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
