You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
