I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
