I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
