if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Where did you get a picture of my penis
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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