I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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