I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
