I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
