Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
