I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize