The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
