don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
