i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
