I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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