I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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