When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
