I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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