Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I didn't notice because vodka
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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