Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
