I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
