How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
