I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
