I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
