I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
