last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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