I am in a vortex of obligation.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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