Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This toilet bowl is my home.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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