Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
