I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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