Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Couch. On fire.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
