I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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