I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
