can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
